Lately, I feel old, not because my hair is turning grey or my bones are coming off, but because I now can compare myself to a younger person and feel that I don't have to be in the spotlight like them all the time anymore. I can be happy and grow in my own way.
Most of the time I get haunted by doubts in the decisions I make because I'm tired of blaming myself when the damage is done. I don't want to chase something I'm not sure of because that's not the person I am anymore. Human feelings are not to be gambled or played because it's going to be a part of the life ahead of you. I call this a process of putting myself together in one piece so that I can make rock-solid decisions and feel assured of the consequence. No one knows what the future brings, so I have to be a little brave, but my paper heart is not ready for another crumple at the moment.
As much as I want to be an idealist, I can't be that way these days because things mean differently when you're older. I have to deal with life's challenges in the ways I feel safest for me. I hope to be mindful and not hurt myself nor anyone in this transitional 'process'. I'm sorry if I did.
I'm 21 years old, only 21 years old but that doesn't mean I can be sure I've another 21 years. I can't poke around and say I know everything either. Give me time and space to grow a little more, and I'm good to go.
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